Introduction
Ever get caught in an east-side-west-side, north-south conversation that’s going nowhere? It might be an argument over and over again with a partner that returns to the same, tired areas, or a meeting at work where it feels as if good ideas simply disappear. You’re on a merry-go-round of miscommunication, it seems.
What if there were a simple means of stepping off that ride? Here’s a dynamic but astonishingly basic tool for doing that: the triangle strategy.
It sounds like it might be out of a mathematical textbook, but in fact is a profoundly human instrument of connection and comprehension. The triangle method is quite simply the turning away from a two-man standoff (which attended my treatment sessions) to three-way collaboration. It’s not you versus me; it’s us looking at that problem together.
What Does the Triangle Method Actually Look Like in Practice?
Say you and your partner are fighting over who does more housework. The conversation is tense. You never do the dishes,” one says. “Well, you’re always m”” trashays[attr=”data-update=\”glossary-tooltip\”] an enormous difference in the options available to black men and women.]”trashays[attr=”data-update=\”glossary-tooltip\”] a word used frequently when comparing the decisions that are socially acceptable for a woman compared with those she’s expected to actually make. Let’s do that as well. Can be: fabulous\” data-date=\” 02/27/20 \” class=\”glossary-link\”>fabulous ing your dirty clothes everywhere!” says the other. This is what’s known as a two-point conflict, which means it’s one simple line of opposition.
So now bring in that third point of the triangle. Instead of looking at each other, you both look at a shared “problem.” It might be a whiteboard, sheet of paper, or even just a “space” in your head. On this shared space, you write down the goal: “To create a fair and balanced system for chores.’
Suddenly, the dynamic shifts. No longer you versus me. It’s you and me versus the problem. You’re not attacking one another; you’re attacking the problem. The “third point” of the triangle—the common goal—neutralizes personal tension and turns conflict into a project.
This approach is a wonder in countless situations. One of them, he says, is a manager who is giving feedback to an employee: The manager can use MURAL and put the project goals on a screen, and then they both stare at the work against those goals.” It removes the personal sting from the feedback and makes it a joint exercise in trying to get a better result.
The Power of Unifying Perspectives
The beauty of the triangle is that it lets us create psychological distance from the issue. When we are in a direct face-to-face conflict, our brains may slip more easily into fight-or-flight. We become defensive, stop listening, and prioritize “winning,” not learning.
Add a third point,t, and you can fudge things. It gives you a neutral something to focus on, which makes it possible for your more rational, creative, and empathetic selves to emerge. This subtle physical and psychological force molds teamwork. You’re on the same side of the table, figuratively, and sometimes literally.
Imagine a time you tried to solve a puzzle with a friend. You two were not arguing about who was more intelligent; you were too busy pointing out some puzzle pieces and building off of each other’s thoughts. That spirit of collaboration is precisely what the triangle method seeks to induce in human interactions that are more complicated.
How to Use the Triangle Method Today
PRACTICE IT, AND NOT JUST ON SPECIAL OCCASIONS. It’s a mentality that you can carry forward in your daily communication, too.
- Externalize the Issue: The next time a conflict arises, pull out a notebook, open a document or just make your way to neutral ground. Record your problem or goal. This creates your third point. For example, rather than fighting about where to have dinner, create a list together of options and factors (including budget, what kind of food, and how far away it is).
- Use “We” Words: Instead of saying “You must…” to “How can we solve…?” That further solidifies that you are in this together. “What can we do to keep the kitchen clean? is much more effective than “You need to clean up after yourself.”
- Keep Your Eyes on the Prize: Keep everything focused on what you both want. When things heat up, return to the third point of your triangle. “Fine, well, let’s not forget we both want to relax on this vacation. How does this get us further toward that?”
- Adjust Your Body Position: If you are sitting across from someone in an argument, consider moving to sit side by side. While conversing, observe something else — perhaps together out a window, or at a screen. The physical alignment can affect your emotional attunement in surprising ways.
The triangle method is not about running away from difficult conversations. It’s about enabling them to be more productive, more compassionate, and more humane. It’s a lesson in the fact that, by and large, we are not actually adversaries. We are the only people trying to solve a problem together. By making that third point, you establish a bridge to empathy, one conversation at a time.
